


Mixed Message

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fractured Brother Relationship, Kind of Suicidal Behavior, M/M, More Standing Back and Letting Himself Be Killed, That Damn Voicemail, Winchesters Can Communicate Sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 14:57:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8628730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: "Dad always said I'd have to save you or kill you.  Well, I'm giving you fair warning, Sam.  I'm done trying to save you."
Sam catches the meaning.  When God saves them from Lucifer's immediate rising, Sam knows it's only a stay of execution.  Dean's never been the type to let a monster live.





	

The white light was blinding, and Sam had this horrible feeling like his brain was being probed. He reeled, barely conscious of his hand still clinging to Dean’s coat, until even that was taken from him and his head felt like it would come off. When the sensation passed, Sam was disoriented, but soon enough realized where he was. He was on an airplane.

Well, on an airplane, Dean wasn’t likely to do anything, Sam reasoned. And then… if Sam was going to die, he wanted to die at Bobby’s instead of on the side of some random road. He had the flight to figure out a way to ask Dean for that much.

“Okay, Sam.” Dean reached out and grabbed Sam’s hand, holding on tight as he tried to keep his breathing regular. “If you’re coming with me, first place we have to go is Chuck’s. Cas stayed there with an archangel on the way, I owe it to him to check up on it.”

“You trust him?” Sam asked. It was good to know that Dean would have someone afterwards. Of course, that didn’t make it hurt less that Sam had been replaced by an angel. “Last I heard, he was back to acting like a dick.”

Dean shrugged. “He tried, man. He tried to get me to you in time, risked his life and pissed off Zachariah.” Sam huffed, imagining the look on Zachariah’s face. “You’d better believe I want some straight answers out of him, but yeah, for now I’m willing to give him a chance. You’re not?”

Sam scoffed. “Right now, I trust you and I trust Bobby. Ellen and Jo. Rufus, maybe. That’s it. I mean, I think we can agree that my judgment about people is seriously impaired. So if you want to trust him, I’ll back your play.”

“So, Chuck first, get what we can on Cas.” Dean stopped for a second as the plane lurched. “Then we get to Bobby’s and figure out our game plan. You in?”

That was exactly what Sam wanted. Well, the best he could hope for, anyway. “I’m in. If something comes up, though, like Cas is in trouble and there’s limited time…”

“Sam, Cas took on an archangel. He’s either dead or fine, and I’d bet Dad’s leather jacket on dead.” Dean shook his head in disbelief. “We broke a prophecy. I wasn’t supposed to be in Ilchester at all, let alone before you ganked Lilith.”

“So you were there in time,” Sam said. “That really was you when Ruby slammed the door. I wasn’t… I didn’t… god, I wish I had realized that was really you.”

“Yeah, well, we could both make a lot of wishes that things were different,” Dean said dismissively. “Right now, I wish we weren’t on this damn plane.” He looked around at the other passengers and forced a smile for Sam. “Or at least, I wish we were hunting a normal, run-of-the-mill demon that we could take care of with a standard exorcism, not the freakin’ King of Hell.” Sam couldn’t help the chuckle at the memory. The rest of the flight was silent, but Dean kept his death grip on Sam’s hand until the plane touched down.

 

Once they were clear of the airport, Dean found a car to hotwire and got them to Chuck’s. Sam hadn’t realized how much hope he’d held on to until Chuck pulled the molar out of his hair. It was devastating. Not only had he still admired the angel, despite everything, but now Cas was dead because Sam was weak. And that left Dean even more alone. It would just be him and Bobby against an entire Apocalypse.

As they were leaving, San stayed back for a moment while Dean started the car. “Don’t suppose you could give me any hints, is Dean gonna be okay after…”

Chuck shook his head. “No.” He turned and walked back into his house.

“What was that about?” Dean asked as Sam got into the car.

Sam shrugged. "Just wanted to say goodbye, I guess.” Dean gave him a weird look at that, but let it drop as he found a classic rock station to listen to on the drive to Bobby and the Impala.

 

Bobby met them on the porch with a hug for each of them. “The hell did you idjits do?” he demanded as soon as hugs were over with.

Sam sighed. “I went to find Ruby after I got out of the panic room. I drank as much blood as she could give me, but she said I’d need more. Coincidentally, she couldn’t find Lilith, but she could find Lilith’s… personal chef, who would be able to tell us where Lilith was. She was a demon, so I could drink all I needed from her. But she got smart… let her host take control. I was almost too far gone to stop already, and Ruby got into my head just that little extra bit she needed for me to be willing to kill an innocent woman to drink her blood.” No sense telling Bobby about Dean’s voice mail. It would only cause problems between Dean and Bobby when they would be all they had. 

“I was so strong. And when I met up with Lilith… something changed in me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but according to Chuck, my eyes went black just for a second. I heard Dean calling me and didn’t know if it was real or not. I couldn’t even hear Ruby, although I could see her shouting at me. And then, as soon as Lilith was dead, Ruby told me the truth. Lilith wasn’t trying to break the final seal, she was the final seal. And when I killed her… Lucifer is free, Bobby. I let Lucifer into the world. I didn’t know. I thought I was doing the right thing. Ruby played me perfectly from start to finish. I was too desperate, and then too proud and too angry. I wouldn’t listen to Dean or anyone, including you. I’m sorry, Bobby.” Sam forced himself to look up, to meet Bobby’s eyes and take the anger and disappointment that he knew he’d see there.

“Ya should be, boy,” Bobby said gruffly, but Sam couldn’t find anything that indicated that Bobby hated him in his tone. “Now, you gonna help us figure out how to clean up this mess of yours, or sit around feeling sorry for yourself?”

“I’ll help as much as I can,” Sam said, staring at his feet. He knew Bobby well enough to know that this was as close as Bobby would ever get to saying that he’d forgive Sam and still treat him like a son. “I don’t know what I can do, but I’ll do whatever I can. Whatever you’ll let me do.” His eyes flicked to Dean, who was stubbornly staring at a point over Bobby’s shoulder in the opposite direction from Sam.

Bobby nodded. “How you doing, blood-wise? We need to lock you in the panic room tonight?”

That did get Dean to look over to Sam, a somewhat startled look on his face. Sam hadn’t thought about it either. “Killing Lilith burned what I took from Cindy, I couldn’t do a thing to Ruby,” Sam said thoughtfully. “I don’t know why I’m not in withdrawal, but I’m not. And, I mean, if I’m not by now, I’m pretty sure I won’t be.” He looked over to Dean, catching Dean’s eyes. “If you’d be more comfortable with me locked up…”

“Nah,” Dean said shortly. “Not much point, you’re more you now than you have been in months. You say you’re clean, I’ll take your word for it.”

“Fair enough,” Sam said. “It’s been a long couple days, though, so unless you want to get things over with tonight… I’m going to bed.”

Dean shrugged. “I’ll be up in a bit,” he said. “Things can wait till the morning, neither of us has gotten much sleep lately.” He hesitated before adding, “Hey, uh… could… do… oh, never mind. Not the time for this.”

“What?” Sam said, pausing at the foot of the stairs.

“It’s nothing,” Dean insisted. “Not really important. Just… not sure if you still pray, but if you do, say one for Cas? Not sure what rewards a dead angel can get, but if anyone deserves something…”

Sam huffed his amusement. “Yeah, uh, I don’t think God or anyone cares what I have to pray about, but then again, I’m pretty sure that’s been the case for a long time now. Can’t hurt to try, anyway.” He went upstairs and sat on the bed that had been his every time he and Dean stayed with Bobby, ever since they were little kids. Was there a point to prayer, for him? For anyone? Maybe, maybe not. He clasped his hands between his knees, leaning forward slightly with his head bowed.

“So, I know you’re probably pissed about Lucifer,” he started. “So I doubt anyone’s listening to the boy with the demon blood. But I have to try. I’m dead in the morning, prayer is all I have left to offer the people I love. Dean swore his service, so I know you’ll look after him, but he’ll need a lot of support. He’s a good guy and deserves a real reward, once he’s saved the world. He’s been so tired, for so long, please… let him find rest with someone who can understand him and give him the love and the home he deserves.”

“I don’t know what to ask for Bobby, other than helping him understand why Dean’s doing what he’s going to do. He and Dean will need each other, so grant him the wisdom and the compassion to forgive. I know I let him down, but he forgave me; he should be able to forgive Dean.”

“I screwed the pooch on this one. Dean and Bobby can fix it, I know they can, but they’ll need help. Now I don’t know what happened with Castiel. The last time I saw him, he was toeing company line, turned against Dean, but Dean still trusts him. I hope Dean is right. Castiel, man, if you can hear this – please be okay. I’m sorry you had to die, or suffer, or whatever happened to you as you tried to help Dean clean up my mess. He still needs you, more than ever after tomorrow. I know you have more important things to do than to look after one human, and your assignment is probably over now that the Apocalypse is real, but if you could check in on him, help him out… he trusts you, Cas, and that’s not something to take lightly.”

Sam paused for a bit, thinking about the angel who had tried to help Dean. “Castiel. I wish I could have known you under better circumstances. I looked up to you, at first because you were an angel and I believed, but even when I lost my faith in the angels, I still had faith in you. You were starting to… I don’t know, but somehow, you stopped being a dick with wings and started being an angel like the ones I believed in. And I get why you don’t like me, I do, but it seemed like you were trying to help me. After Alastair… Uriel would have smitten me, especially the way I treated you in the hospital afterward. I failed you, Castiel, and I am so sorry.”

Sam sighed, looking around the room. “Guess it’s just the usual now – I pray that those gone before us have found rest and peace. For Mom, Dad, Jess, Ash, Andy, Adam, Madison, Pamela, the countless others whose deaths were caused by getting involved with me. For Castiel, if his name belongs on that list. For those I’ve wronged, like Cindy, or who will die because I let Lucifer into the world. Amen.” He lifted his head, blinking back the tears as he shucked his jeans and flannel before stretching out on the bed and closing his eyes. He didn’t sleep, though, until he heard Dean come in and get ready for bed. It caught him by surprise when he felt Dean’s hand smoothing his hair back off of his face, but he didn’t let on that he was awake.

When Sam awoke the next morning, the sun still wasn’t up. He dressed quickly and wrote a short note for Bobby, telling him that Dean was right to do it and Sam was at peace with the decision. Leaving the note on his duffle, Sam went out to gather wood to build the pyre. He was pouring salt over it when a flutter of wings alerted him to Castiel’s arrival, as typical well within Sam’s personal space. “Hello, Sam.”

“Hey, Castiel,” Sam said, pushing his sweat-soaked hair out of his eyes. “I think Dean’s still asleep, but still, good to see you alive. Dean thought that archangel killed you, and Chuck said he saw you explode.”

Castiel’s face looked troubled. “And yet, you prayed to me. I could not come immediately, but I came as quickly as I could.” He lifted a hand, placing it to Sam’s chest. An intense pain flared in his ribs, and Sam couldn’t help the gasp. “An Enochian sigil, carved into your ribs. It will blind angels to your location. I will of course do the same for Dean as soon as he gets out here.” Sam nodded, still shaking off the pain. “Your prayer. You sounded certain that you would die today. You’ve built a pyre. Do you intend to kill yourself? Sam, there are far better ways to work toward redemption.”

The question caught Sam off-guard. “What? Kill myself? I want to stick around and try to fix things, but I don’t get to make that call. Honestly, I didn’t expect to get this long, I guess Dean cares enough about you and Bobby to make me a lower priority. But, I mean, there’s no sense in putting it off any longer.”

Castiel’s confusion was written on his face, but the sound of footsteps interrupted him as Dean came out from the last row of junk cars. “Mornin’, sunshine. The hell’s the pyre for? Hey, Cas.” He did a double-take and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Wait, Cas? I have your tooth in my pocket. How the hell are you standing there?”

“My tooth?” Cas asked blankly. Sam shot Dean a look of why are you carrying an angel’s tooth in your pocket, which Dean didn’t even try to respond to. “Oh, Jimmy’s tooth. Yes, Raphael destroyed my vessel when I sent you to Sam. It was… recreated for me, though Jimmy’s soul remains in Heaven. I was brought back, I believe by God. Just as the two of you were put on that plane so you could escape from Lucifer.” He stepped over to Dean and put a hand to the man’s ribs.

“Jesus Christ!” Dean swore. “Warn a guy, Cas!”

“You are now hidden from the angels,” Castiel explained. “Lucifer as well as the host of Heaven. Myself, as well – a necessary sacrifice.” He stepped back, placing himself between Dean and Sam, closer to the younger brother. “I don’t know what you intend to do to Sam or why, but I will not allow you to harm him.”

Dean gaped, and Sam stared at Cas in confusion. “Cas, it’s okay. I deserve it and I know he’ll make it quick.” He stepped out, giving Dean a clean line of sight. “How are we doing this, Dean?”

It took Dean a couple of tries to find his voice. “Doing what? Make what quick? Sam, what the hell is going on?”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Uh, your voicemail? No sense waiting. So, I mean, beheading is the usual way to deal with vampires, but I promise you, a good clean shot will work just as well. Easier to clean up, too.”

“Clean up… beheading… Sam?” Dean’s eyes were wide. “Sam, what the hell is going on in your brain? Because it sounds like you think I’m going to kill you.”

Castiel moved to get between the brothers again. Sam shook his head. “I’m a monster, remember? No going back. You’re done trying to save me, so that just leaves killing me. I get it, Dean, and I am trying to make this as easy as possible for you.”

“Sammy, I am not killing my brother!” Dean shouted. “Wait. You got into a car with me and rode with me for a whole day, thinking I was gonna kill you? C’mon, Sam. What the _fuck_?”

“Listen to me, you blood-sucking freak.” The voice was Dean’s, but it came from Castiel. Both Winchesters stared at the angel with shock in their eyes, although for very different reasons. The shock only grew when they recognized the look of regret and sorrow in Cas’s eyes as he stared at Sam. “Sam, I swear to you, it was not Dean who sent you that voicemail. It was Zachariah, and I didn’t know what he said until you did.” Cas turned to look Dean in the eyes. “My… change of heart. I remembered your true words, and when I heard what Zachariah had sent to Sam instead, I was furious. You had reached through my reconditioning, reawakened all the doubts I had, the things I felt. I was in turmoil when I left you, and I went to Sam. I didn’t manifest. I didn’t want you to know I was there. I had failed you, Sam, allowed you to be lost. I couldn’t stop it, only Dean could have pulled you back at that point, but I could bear witness. I left when I heard the message, to get Dean and give him what little chance I could. It was not enough, and I am sorry.”

Dean moved toward Sam, standing within arm’s reach of his brother. “What did that bag of dicks say to you, Sammy?”

Sam closed his eyes, trying to hide the tears. “I don’t remember it perfectly. What Cas said, the blood-sucking freak thing. Dad’s dying words about saving me or killing me, and you were done trying to save me. Because I was a monster, not me anymore, and there was no going back.”

Dean hissed. “If there was ever a speech more perfectly tailored to hurt you…” He reached out and pulled Sam into a hug. “What I really said was that I was still pissed, but I shouldn’t have thrown Dad’s words in your face. We’re brothers, and that doesn’t change, and I’m sorry.”

Sam gave up on hiding the tears as his arms came up around Dean. There was no way he’d be able to. “If I’d heard that… if I’d known… I was on the edge of the cliff, man. The voicemail I heard, Zachariah’s words… that pushed me off. If I’d heard yours, I’d have turned around, told Ruby to fuck off, Lilith could wait until I’d made things right with you.”

“Okay.” Dean held on tight. “Come on, Sammy. We’ve got an archangel to kill, and just the four of us to figure out how.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments always welcomed and treasured!


End file.
